Have you talked to yourself lately ?

solitude3

Everyday I get up ,wash my face  have a cup of coffee or tea, and start my day with the routines I do. Most of the time I get caught up with the busy world we’re all in, I deal with familiar people of  unfamiliar souls. I end my day exhausted from all the days work yet feeling empty within. I suppose most individual, in one way or another have felt like they’re walking on a street so crowded, so noisy, a lot of turns and alleys, side streets and back streets and yet there’s nowhere to go, it’s like a dead-end. People are smiling, talking but they are not listening, there’s silence but there’s no serenity.

Have you talked to yourself lately? The question I’ve asked myself. There are times when even the person I consider closest to me, couldn’t understand what is going on. Things I want to say may not be easy to comprehend,  I know for sure because I don’t even know how to put them in words.

Am I fine because I am smiling?  No.

Am I certain because I don’t appear worried?  No.

Am I happy because it seems like I have a good life?  No.

Am I strong because I am not stating my fears?  No.

The truth is nobody knows how am I really feeling right now. I am looking at the mirror, seeing a woman who is lost. A soul that has long gone. An individual who has a lot to say and so much to vent but couldn’t find someone trusting enough, willing to listen with an open heart and mind. I don’t want to answer any questions, I don’t want to explain myself, I don’t want to convince anybody. I don’t want an advice. I don’t even want your sympathy, all I want is to be free. Free from all the things running in my head, free from the pain I am feeling now. Free from pretending I am okay.

Yes, I am talking to myself, the only one who could understand all of me. I can tell her all I want to do but couldn’t do because I always have to consider the people around me. I can tell her all my frustrations and she just nods and listens. I told her how confused and afraid  I am and all my insecurities. I confided how hurt I am for not knowing where to go and who to run to, for feeling like I am not wanted. I admitted my regrets and mistakes and how I wish I gave them careful thoughts. I cried to her every night. She picks me up every morning, dragging my feet just to face every day. Every time I look at her she smiles back at me and telling me she’s got my back. She helps me get through the day.

I am not crazy. Yes I am talking to myself. At the end of the day the only person you can rely on to is yourself. I understand myself more than anybody could. I know me more than any one does. It’s sad but it’s true that sometimes  even our love ones don’t  have any clue on what we’re really going through. I don’t take it against them, I know that we all have our own problems to think of and when we’re busy minding our own, sometimes we tend to overlook and forget to ask “how are you feeling?”

So have you talked to yourself lately? Go ahead  and you’ll find the real essence of solitude.

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Add yourPsalm 140:12
“I know that the LORD secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy.”

Leaves in the Pages

[DISCLAIMER: every blue, underlined text is a link that is an example or reference of what is being discussed]

It was about time to write about this phenomenon that everyone is posting about. You can’t be on facebook without seeing the 30 min. video about Joseph Kony that has gotten 32 million views as traffic in the past THREE days. Not bad.

In the past few days, I have been hearing about KONY from some friends in New Zealand. The discussion was made, but I didn’t know what a KONY was. I asked my friend and he told me that KONY was a name, the last name in fact of a very evil warlord in Africa. My friend’s status on facebook said, “I support KONY 2012.” Naturally I was a bit confused. All of a sudden, I began to get a wave of questions on if I’d seen the KONY video. I then saw…

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The Soul that keeps my soul alive

I often get annoyed at her unsolicited advice and never-ending reminders. I wondered why she didn’t seem to get tired of everything. She has the energy of a 5-year-old child and the enthusiasm of a great athlete. Yes, she’s got lots of flaws, so many to mention actually, but they’re not as many as her admirable traits.

She got married at an age no one has ever imagined being tied and have had responsibilities larger than her age by number. We often didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of different issues. In fact there are many things about her which I promised myself never to simulate. I have been striving to equal or surpass everything that I saw good in her. I was like the  better- than anyone girl who was seeing what’s wrong and right only in my own standard. Well life has a way  of waking you up in the middle of a sweet dream and making you realize that no one’s better than anyone, it’s just that we have different ways of living our lives.

I believe, there comes a point in everyone’s life when we reach the stage of wholly embracing who we are and accepting the people who have always been part of us, of the person we were and we are now. I am so blessed to have learned that I wouldn’t have this life I have now, if it wasn’t for her. Yes, I tried to avoid being like her, but now I realized that it’s an utmost honor to be like her. I am my mother’s daughter after all……and she’s the soul that keeps my soul alive.

30 Great things about being 30

Age is something most women would like to keep a secret to. For whatever reason, some feels lonely thinking of how old they are getting and some feels just fine. Most women would try everything they can to avoid such a conversation as if it’s a taboo. A well-known socialite on her 30’s once said ” Better not anyone know your age, or your market value will definitely fall and astray like a drifting wood on the rapids.”

I am 30 and I am not ashamed to say so. I am 30 and I feel good because this life has given me so much of the good and bad that I view as adventure, excitement, and lessons. Do i feel sad that I am getting older ? NO, I feel blessed and  there’s so much more that I want to do and see and experience and would be so looking forward to write about them when I reach my 40’s and 50’s and so on. Being 30 is great……and it’s just about the start of more meaningful years.

30 Great things about being 30……it’s more fun that I have ever thought.

30. I am making decisions more soundful than before.

29. Having more  quiet moments with myself.

28. Settling all kinds of insecurities I have had during my younger years.

27. Doing things I want to and not needing others approval.

26. Enjoying different hairstyles without feeling conscious.

25. Having the sense of stillness within me.

24. Doing things slowly but surely.

23. Enjoying movies as they are without analyzing too much…..lol

22. Having more time to read.

21. Learning to cook different cuisines.

20. Discovering my baking skills….and I am enjoying it so much.

19. Realizing who my real friends are…. there are only a  few but appeared millions in many ways.

18. Having new acquaintances and looking forward for more.

17. Learning not to compare things and just appreciate them as they are.

16. Appreciating nature more, so much so that I am doing my little share to save it somehow.

15. Trying my hand on art.

14. Searching for profound things to do that are time worthy.

13. Being more careful on my words.

12. Discovering different kinds of tea and having them on my cup every morning.

11. Eating a more healthy, balanced meal.

10. Having regular exercises to keep my body and mind active.

9.  Being lazy and a bum from time to time.

8.  Getting away (somehow) from the fancy of social networking sites….but not out of touch…hehehe

7.  Being nosey and having a small dose of gossip every now and then….lol

6.  Understanding certain things in a wider perspective , listening, respecting others points of view.

5. Enjoying sex more and more, much and much……lol

4. Being married to the man I love, respect and trust…..the John Lennon of my life as he calls me his Yoko Ono 🙂

3.  Being thankful and feeling so blessed to be having a great family that gives me a never-ending care and an unconditional love.

2.  Having a much stronger faith in God and feeling so safe and secure knowing that  I am loved and will never be alone in my life.

1.  Being 30  is great most specially because I am seeing the real essence of life. I am at peace with myself, having accepted my weaknesses, learning from my mistakes, embracing my imperfections, recognizing my strengths, having gratitude for all the blessings–good and bad, and conquering my fears. Being calm in the midst of confusion and carrying on through pain. Life is beautiful…….and it will always be no matter what. It’s great being 30…..I know for sure it’s the start of a decade full of wonderful things and of unnerving trials, but what the heck…someone’s got my back 🙂