Everyday I get up ,wash my face have a cup of coffee or tea, and start my day with the routines I do. Most of the time I get caught up with the busy world we’re all in, I deal with familiar people of unfamiliar souls. I end my day exhausted from all the days work yet feeling empty within. I suppose most individual, in one way or another have felt like they’re walking on a street so crowded, so noisy, a lot of turns and alleys, side streets and back streets and yet there’s nowhere to go, it’s like a dead-end. People are smiling, talking but they are not listening, there’s silence but there’s no serenity.
Have you talked to yourself lately? The question I’ve asked myself. There are times when even the person I consider closest to me, couldn’t understand what is going on. Things I want to say may not be easy to comprehend, I know for sure because I don’t even know how to put them in words.
Am I fine because I am smiling? No.
Am I certain because I don’t appear worried? No.
Am I happy because it seems like I have a good life? No.
Am I strong because I am not stating my fears? No.
The truth is nobody knows how am I really feeling right now. I am looking at the mirror, seeing a woman who is lost. A soul that has long gone. An individual who has a lot to say and so much to vent but couldn’t find someone trusting enough, willing to listen with an open heart and mind. I don’t want to answer any questions, I don’t want to explain myself, I don’t want to convince anybody. I don’t want an advice. I don’t even want your sympathy, all I want is to be free. Free from all the things running in my head, free from the pain I am feeling now. Free from pretending I am okay.
Yes, I am talking to myself, the only one who could understand all of me. I can tell her all I want to do but couldn’t do because I always have to consider the people around me. I can tell her all my frustrations and she just nods and listens. I told her how confused and afraid I am and all my insecurities. I confided how hurt I am for not knowing where to go and who to run to, for feeling like I am not wanted. I admitted my regrets and mistakes and how I wish I gave them careful thoughts. I cried to her every night. She picks me up every morning, dragging my feet just to face every day. Every time I look at her she smiles back at me and telling me she’s got my back. She helps me get through the day.
I am not crazy. Yes I am talking to myself. At the end of the day the only person you can rely on to is yourself. I understand myself more than anybody could. I know me more than any one does. It’s sad but it’s true that sometimes even our love ones don’t have any clue on what we’re really going through. I don’t take it against them, I know that we all have our own problems to think of and when we’re busy minding our own, sometimes we tend to overlook and forget to ask “how are you feeling?”
So have you talked to yourself lately? Go ahead and you’ll find the real essence of solitude.